Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
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If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
War & Peace
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Cucumbers Anonymous
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.