[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Holy crap this is wonderful
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
my mind
You just read my mind
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?