me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
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Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
welcome back
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
emergency phone
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”