Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*doordash driver delivers four happy meals with chocolate milk and Disney princess toys*
“Looks like a fun night. How many kids do you have?”
Me: How many what now?

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey

According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.

when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit

As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.

it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email

16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match