me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Growing old is a process of saying “it’s probably nothing,” with increasing frequency and increasingly being wrong.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok