me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
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Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Hot Hot Hot
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit