me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Home #decor warning.
*gets down on one knee*
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Asking the real questions!
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
