me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
