Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……