Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
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Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
United Steaks of America
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Solving a traffic jam
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life