Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
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DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
LA today:
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.