Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
You Might Also Like
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If I make my 3yo a ham sandwich he won’t touch it but if I make myself a ham sandwich he’s gotta have the entire thing
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara