Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
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Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
The good news: once you get a PhD, friends and family will refer to you as doctor.
The bad news: They will only do it sarcastically after you get basic trivia wrong.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
Not recommended for beginners.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.