You Might Also Like
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*