Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.

My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup

Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.

It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…

Me, in the DMV waiting room

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix

me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.

If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in

The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.

Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.