Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

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“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”


BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.


Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.


Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams


Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.


“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”


You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.


The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.


The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?