@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so

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@UncleDuke1969

“I like to get off on the right foot.”

“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

@aksorojas

Hell hath no fury like a teenage girl who perfected her right eyebrow but not the left one.

@TheMadShattter

Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams

@3sunzzz

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

@longwall26

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

@GinAndJif

You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.

@trevso_electric

The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.

@IamJackBoot

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?