Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
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[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that