[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Never forget.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.