Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.

Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer

every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.

INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes

BOSS: what should we call it

GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea

Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

(I am 6 months pregnant)

Me after ordering my coffee:

Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.

Me: I’m… not pregnant.

Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!

And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.

“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”

– The wind, apparently.

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.

Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.

If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?