Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?

Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?

A: Because it waxes every month.

Body: time to fall asleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Sunday

woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”

No, I bought them 15lbs ago

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

[Valentine’s Day]

me: *gets divorced*

[24 hours earlier]

me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

Me: I made this belt out of herbs

Her: why?

Me: oh, just waisting some thyme

My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀

Them: The children are our future.

The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]

journal

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”

-a potato

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

[Deli]

Me: can I get a children’s sub

Employee: sure thi-

Elon Musk: move over I got this