Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]

My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now

all that yoga finally paid off

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.

Her: I agree but can we land first?

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*

DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?

ME:

DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.

I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.

tag yourself

a god among men

[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY

Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands

Life of an Editor:

I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”

It was “sheepishly,” folks.

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.