Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
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Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.