Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?

[at the same time]

HER: Frankenstein.

ME: Frosty the Snowman.

Never forget.

Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.

Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Me: Did you like that story?

5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.

Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.

5: There’s another ending? Tell me.

Me: You don’t need to know.

5: Tell me, Tell me!

Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!

Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously

personal trainer: *just glares*

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.

24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?

After cooking show a dishwashing show with same host but kind of drunk.

I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.