Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…

Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?

Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.

Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

There is wisdom there.

were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal

*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Probably my best painting.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

Shoutout to coughing on the bus. Haven’t tried it myself but seems really popular

history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.