ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
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[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Breaking news:
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.