Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.

Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?

You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.

heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt

heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same

If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

The cops knocked on my door and said, we’re looking for a burglar with one eye.

I said, wouldn’t it be better if you used both eyes.

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY

When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

remember

only for emergencies

Feels like there should be a middle ground

“this is the biggest toilet I’ve ever seen”

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!