Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.

Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive

Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL

Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:

STEP 1: buy a recliner

STEP 2: buy some beer

STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods

Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased

Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead

Cult Leader: …

Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere

During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

So many pants.
So little yoga.

My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.

I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

…

ME: Four boxes would be great.

Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.