Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”

So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.

Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Me: beware the clyde of march

Clyde: I’m standing right here

Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.

When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.

That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

My dryer is celebrating lint.

I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.

Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]

iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you

Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]

iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!

I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does

The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.

Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons