ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.