@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

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@robdelaney

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

@Cpt_Burnout

REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.

BOOM.

@pilau

I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot

@Kids_kubed

I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?

@nerdamage

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

@titletown__

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

@ShutUpThatsWho

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

@lazerdoov

*bursts into a bank*

EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?