ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else