ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.


I’m calling them Accused Murder Hornets until I hear their side the story.


Marriage is fun because i asked my husband to please fix the sink and he started talking about how he should add a floor over the living room because it’s wasted space, then watched DIY on house flipping and said he could do that, then took a nap and the sink is still broken.


What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.


ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.


“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”


You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

And also a fork.


ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome


HR: “..16. 16 STAPLES in Diane’s forehead…”
Me: “..it was the last twizzler”
Me: *eats twizzler*