It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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REALITY SHOW IDEA: Put 10 tweeters in a house with only 1 phone charger and plenty of booze.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
I’m not chubby, I’m alt skinny.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?