@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

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@ArfMeasures

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

@thicclavabae

‘Do muslims have sex?’ no Susan I was delivered into this world by amazon prime.

@nimble__nick

Dog: [Barks at the mailman]
Human: Bad dog.
Dog: [Turns to the camera] My human hates bills, yet gets mad when I try to scare the guy off.

@FredTaming

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”Muath_tu”;s:5:”image”;s:62:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2620740096/image_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325592944465809411″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”43″;s:5:”tweet”;s:75:”Smart and sophisticated till you like someone and suddenly you’re a donkey.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:1;}

@Chumpstring

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

@TheAlexP

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

@kenwhacksit

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

@jonnysun

wat apple fanboy caled it an “apple fanboy” insted of an “iDiot”