me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
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I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
just gave your address to some spiders
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs