Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
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“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
