Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
“this too shall pass” okay but like… when exactly
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
This kid is going places
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.