ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If it me or does the name Mark Ruffalo sound like something a dog would say if it starting talking?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
