Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

I can’t deal with men any longer

absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted

SCARECROW: If I only had a brain

DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas

TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you

Pigeon open mic night.

if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?

Me: finding the will to get up

I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Dog: I will guard you with my life!

Cat: What was your name again?

Fights fire with marshmallows

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside

I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…

Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care