Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.

Me: what’s the deal with airplane food

Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”

Including classics such as:

– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!

And the chart topping hit:

– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

ㅤ

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

What I say: It’s time to get dressed.

What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

“I totally didn’t say that.” – God

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo

Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.

If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.