Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer

Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did

I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.

Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.

I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.

My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?

Me: And this is something that’s important to you?

He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.

Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me

Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway

them: uno

me: no i don’t

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing

“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.

Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?