@WritePlay

ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING

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@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

@meganamram

What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on

@WhatevaConc

The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?

@NickadooLA

Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.

@badbanana

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

@LittleMissAngr1

I spent an hour trying to interpret the meaning of the new art installation at the park, only to find out it is just a lamppost that got knocked down.

@MattTheBrand

twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed

@SortaBad

saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”

@ninjadinosaur1

Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.