TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb

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Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.


What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on


The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?


Mitt Romney says that people who are voting for Barack Obama don’t work and don’t pay taxes. I guess that means Romney is voting for Obama.


Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.


Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?


I spent an hour trying to interpret the meaning of the new art installation at the park, only to find out it is just a lamppost that got knocked down.


twitter has ruined me i was at a pumpkin carving party and everybody was talking about removing the guts from their pumpkins and i blurted out “pumpkins b like rearrange my GUTS daddy” and nobody laughed


saleslady: can I help you
“yes, how many leg holes do these pants have?”
saleslady: ummm just the usual two
“nice, nice”


Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.