Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

My daughter met another toddler at the playground and my kid was like “What’s your name? Wow, that’s a beautiful name. Look at how strong you are! I love your shoes!”

And it took me a second to realize she was copying what I do when I meet a baby 😂

It’s only a problem if others know about it….

*Sweeps problems under rug*

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news

ME: can you tell me what it is

DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared

not enough rap songs about your grocery store suddenly changing their layout

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.

Is it because I’m brown??

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]

Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!

Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.

Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

[I appear in 1985]

SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?

ME: Uh…hmm…uh…

SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?

ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.

No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.