Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

BABY GOT BACKYARD

Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party

Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

*road trip*

husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car

husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

this plan is WAY too aggressive imho

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!

What’s the magic word?

[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]

I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

“That’s me in a nutshell.”

A peanut’s photo album.

I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.