Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt

day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

Me: one pill pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: no just one pls

Pill Bottle: 37

Me: pls only one pi-

Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

I lost my job as a surgeon.

Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.

I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”

I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah

“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”

Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake

“So you haven’t?”

Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there