Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”

all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person

I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

OK…so naked running…

Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.

I wish I knew this an hour ago.

Oh, and send bail money.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.

*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.

adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to

Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

[reading death threat]

*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.

I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.