me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
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COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
woman protagonist, written by a man: i looked in the mirror. i wasn’t beautiful. but i was fine with that. my hair is brown, and i am 35. but i wont let that kill me
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused