Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure

“FRAAANCE!”

Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.

Me: Almost? Quitter.

*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying

I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news

me: omg, me too

Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.

I love the word placebo, but it lacks something

[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”

“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”

Interviewer:…

“Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726

Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot

You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.

My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

[in someone else’s master bathroom]

5-year-old: They have two sinks.

Me: Yeah.

5: One for each hand.

bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot