me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…