Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them