Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
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a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
✨☝️✨
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
stop
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.