Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Rude much 😂😂😂

[first day as a detective]

ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!

OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there

My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.

When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.

the prophecies have been fulfilled

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.

*Interrogation Room*

Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.

….

Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.

Tooth Fairy: So am I!

same bro

If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.

We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.