ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
pat pat
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Friend: If you give it some deep thought—
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator