Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.

I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.

i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

Prosecutor: I object

Me: No, you a person

Judge: On what grounds?

Me: The courthouse grounds

Judge: I’m ordering you-

Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad

Judge: Bailiff, take him out

Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol

teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.

Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank

as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”

Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it

held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast

My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……

Perhaps next time I should go out with him?

I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.

I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.