ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
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“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.