Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*

I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO

I’m probably too old to be driving around the roundabout and thinking wheeeeee as I do it, but what the hell.

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

HER: what’s your sign?

ME: i’m an asparagus

HER: you mean aquarius

ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

☠️

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

My husband grew up in a small town and always says that the cops harassed his family for no reason and then he’ll proceed to tell me a story that makes me agree with the cops immediately.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one

Is this you?

[crime scene]

BATMAN: Who the hell are you?

MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?

BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.

MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.

[BATBAT arrives]

BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?

Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.