me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
You Might Also Like
[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.“You ordered a Grande.”
Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.
“Sir, please just take her.”
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Monday?
No. Next question.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
She was REALLY feeling it.
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
Good morning.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food