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“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites