me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
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ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Livid.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Ha.
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.