me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Ron is short for Aaronald
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Nothing angers me more than tall ghosts in horror movies. No one born in 1782 was that tall. Do your research, screenwriters.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
my lawyer: ok brent we are all here
me at the reading of my will I insisted I do thru ouija board: *takes ten minutes to spell out good evening*
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin