Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
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Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today