Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.

Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.

Me, homeschooling:

If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste