Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Grandma’s funeral]

(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin

A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

yeet

really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’

My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”

Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly

I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”

I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.

-people that are about to start ugly crying

[history class in 2069]

TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?

ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.

TEACHER: correct

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”

My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “

Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?

*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*

Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.

I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now