Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.

When your man makes a valid point

Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.

wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two

TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!

BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??

god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no

Me: kid, you have no chill

5: I do, I just don’t use it

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.

_ _ _ _ _

The category is “Down on the Farm.”

Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”

Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.

Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle