Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
☠️ ☠️
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.