Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
This joke is 7 years old
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?