Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?

I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”

In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.

In my 40’s: oh.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.

scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”