Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground

Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

[cleaning the garage]

ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway

12YO: ok which app do I use

ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app

12YO: is it on mom’s phone

ME: no app. push. the. broom.

12YO:

ME:

12YO: so should i download it

It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.

Kids are so inquisitive.

“Will robots ever take over the world?”

Me: “Almost certainly.”

“But when? Before I die?”

“A bit before, yes.”

Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.

You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.

Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

[Surgery]

Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”

Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”

Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”

*Surgeon starts sawing off leg

*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.