Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me

Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.

If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.

honestly, i need both:

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep

Me: your body needs sleep to grow

3yo: but I’m already growed

Me: how do you think I got so big

3yo: by eating

Me:

My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.

5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.

Now they are tenants together.

If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening

The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.

If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

[2am]

wife: where in the hell have you been

me: well the boys and i were at the club-

my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*

me: leonard my god no not right now

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?

Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow

Him: (opens mouth to speak)

Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

me: i’ve started seeing someone

therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore