Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

My snack didn’t taste very good.

Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch

I know. Life’s tough.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!

I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!

Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

[hosting a party]

Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.

Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*

Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?

Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.

Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?

Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way

Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery

My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning

After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.

Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.

I like the concept of restaurant appetizers: “Bring me something to eat. And bring me something else to eat while I’m waiting.”

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”