Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.

My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..

..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!

i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.

I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

this has done me in for some reason

Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is

[First day as a plumber]

Boss: What’s wrong?

Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

*elbows date in ribs*

“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”

where it says “within reason?”

“that’s because of me”

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”

Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism

Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’

Her: So, what are we thinking?

Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”

(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)

ants: seize him

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit