me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
I pray every night that I never become religious…
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Lmao 🤣
I wonder if should download that Rednote app instead of tik tok and blow the Chinese’s minds about what an air fryer can handle
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”