me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Why font matters.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
I beg you to euthanise me
