Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you

miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!

English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.

If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.

The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.

I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶

Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology

Hilarious if literal: arms race

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.

I asked my kid what they actually do during a half day at school. He said “I don’t know, but we eat lunch early and there is less time for Nico to pee on the floor”

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]

Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM