me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point

waitress: oh thank god!

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BARNES: “What if it wasn’t just empty cabinets?”
NOBLE: “Let’s sell books!”
AND: “This is why we make such a great team.”


*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room


noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean


Whenever I wake up with a scratchy throat I pray to god that I just ate a spider and I’m not actually sick


Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.


Sweeping a woman off her feet is easy if you know karate


GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”


If you’re stupid enough to start a massive fire with a “gender reveal” explosion, you should name the child Arson.