me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
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*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman