Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
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Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
I beg your pardon?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.