Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
🙂🐾
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?